seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
