Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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