one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
