ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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