I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
