Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
