You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
