Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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