you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
