DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Can I color on your dick again?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
