He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Text me some of your sweat
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