Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
