I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
