I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
