You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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