He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
