are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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