I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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