cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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