She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
