there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
