This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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