Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
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My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am available for nakedness
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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