then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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