You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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