i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
