You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
