You're completely useless in the revolution.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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