Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
