i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
