Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
