dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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