I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
