I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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