So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
