We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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