I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
