my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
