I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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