If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
