i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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