is your mom at the bar?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I believe in your delicious
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
