Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Randomize
