I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
