i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
