So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
