you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
