who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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