I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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