this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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