i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
