dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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