When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
