I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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