My cat gives me a boner
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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