Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I would ride that face into the sunset
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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