Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize