I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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