Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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