don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
