I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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