apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
