I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
