my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
